Living from your authentic self vs. persona
By Chris Lucerne
As we mature, the urgency to live an authentic life becomes paramount. We grow tired of keeping up the facade and being on the endless search for authentic love, happiness and fulfillment. We want what is real! The “realness” that we seek is living a life that is in congruence with who we are at our core, our “authentic self.”
We each have a natural thermostat setting that either facilitates the experience of ease, flow and genius in our lives or stress, conflict and stagnation. That thermostat setting is dependent on whether we are living our lives from our “authentic self” or from our “personas.” So, the journey home is the journey of shifting out of persona to living a life of complete authenticity. As you read this article, refer to the diagram. Instead of viewing it as two-dimensional, think of it as three-dimensional, or as a ball that is formed in layers. It begins with the authentic self at the center of the ball.
Layer #1:
Authentic self (also called essence, real self, essential self, genuine self, or spiritual self)
When you came into this world, you arrived as your authentic self. This is who you were created to be and who you are at your absolute core. Naturally loving, trusting, and open, you had an innate desire to connect with others, to love and be loved. Your authentic self remains with you all of your life (and beyond) although it becomes covered by many other layers, as you will see.
Your authentic self is the part of you that comes from the highest place and holds the best intentions for you and for others. Simply put, it is the part of you that comes from the energy of love and goodness in your thoughts, feelings and behaviors. The authentic self is a composite of your most deeply held values and your unique genius (gifts, talents and attributes), which are always seeking expression. Your authentic self yearns to step into your full potential and fully express your love and creativity in the world. Your authentic self flourishes unself-consciously in those times in your life when you feel happiest and most fulfilled.
Layer #2:
Mixed Messages/Dysfunctional Environment
Throughout the early developmental stages of life, all sorts of mixed messages are sent your way. Coming from a dysfunctional family (which the vast majority of us did) serves up all sorts of scenarios that are not supportive to the healthy development and nurturing of the authentic self. Addictions, arguments, verbal, physical and sexual abuse (to name a few) are some of the things that happen in families. In these scenarios you, as an innocent child, take what is happening in the environment and unconsciously interpret it (often in a distorted way) and give meaning to it — including what it means about you.
Layer #3:
Unconscious Beliefs
The conclusions and/or decisions you make about yourself and the world in which you live form your belief system. Bottom line conclusions are typically something like, “It is not OK to be me,” or, “There is something wrong with me.” Other conclusions you might make are, “It is not safe to trust [men, women, myself],” “Nothing I ever do will be good enough,” “It is not OK to express my thoughts or feelings,” “I’m weak,” “I’m inadequate,” and so on.
While these beliefs are not real, they unfortunately serve as the foundation for the reality in which you base your life. You continue to act out of these beliefs for the remainder of your life, or until you intentionally challenge them, through therapy, coaching, workshops or other types of personal growth/spiritual transformation work.
Layer #4:
Personas (also called fictional self, mask, façade, protector, or ego)
Out of beliefs, personas form and are the masks that you wear to get love and approval so that you can feel as if you are acceptable and OK. For instance, if you took on a belief of “Nothing I ever do will be good enough,” you may grow up to be a perfectionist who is always striving to be more, achieve more or be seen as having it all together: the perfect house, the perfect car, the perfect body, the perfect life. You think that being perfect will get you the love and approval you are looking for. Yet, no matter how hard you try, you find it impossible to live up to your own (or other people’s) expectations. So the love and approval you look for by using your perfectionist persona doesn’t manifest, or if it does, it is very fleeting.
Personas are born out of fear and, quite paradoxically, out of a positive intention to get you love and approval. They are created in early childhood out of the need to protect and defend yourself from the beliefs that are lurking in the background, or to protect you from other people and how they might judge you or treat you. They serve as coping mechanisms to life’s difficult situations. You can know that you are in “persona” because the energy of it is stressful and often includes conflict with others or conflict within yourself. Persona energy is hard and effortful. If you feel stagnant or stuck and lacking in vitality, creativity and “aliveness,” these are also signs that persona is in the driver’s seat.
It is important to note that even though your authentic self is covered up with unconscious beliefs and personas, you will still experience times when your authentic self shines through. You can know that you are living from authenticity when life is flowing, easeful, creative and you have a sense of aliveness and a joy for living and connecting with others.
Layer #5:
Relationships
When you can’t find the love and approval you want by living in your personas, you will begin looking outside of yourself for another source. Typically, the first place you will look is to other people and often to a primary relationship. You might tell yourself something like this: “If I could only find the right partner, then I would be happy, then I would feel loved.” So you find someone and, sure enough, while in the “romance” stage of relationship when authenticity is present, you do feel an intense amount of love. That changes. At some point, you and your partner’s personas show up and get into conflict with one another. It seems that your partner’s persona knows exactly how to push your buttons, and vice versa. Amazingly, your personas actually emerge as opportunities to grow and connect at even deeper levels. Yet it is rarely viewed in that way. The love you are searching for lies at the center of your being in your authentic self, and yet you may continue to look outside to find it.
Layer #6:
Addictions and Diversions
When you unconsciously realize you cannot reliably depend on your partner to give you the love you need, you begin looking for something that will. Many people simply change partners, and the cycle begins again. Others turn to addictions and diversions for the answer: alcohol, drugs, shopping, sleeping, exercise, work, video games, Internet, TV, food and more. Suffice it to say that an addiction is anything that you do (especially to excess) that allows you to escape from reality in order to feel good; to give you the sense of “OKness” you long to feel. Feeling “OK” leads to wanting to feel it again, and that is how addictions form.
The Journey Home
In the meantime, while your personas are desperately searching for love and approval outside of yourself through achievement, relationships and addictions, what you seek lies easily within your reach at the center of who you are your authentic self. So, the journey home is very much about challenging your beliefs, discovering and de-energizing your personas, and stepping fully into and being encircled by your authentic self. The journey home is about love. It is about learning to love and accept yourself fully and completely, for all that you are and all that you are not. And when you do, you will attract an endless supply of love from outside yourself.
I invite you to take this journey. Is it easy? Not necessarily, although it doesn’t have to be hard. How you decide to approach it and your level of willingness to transform your life will determine how you experience the journey. What I want for you is to live a life of authenticity where you feel deeply loved, alive and full of vitality, expressing your true genius and inspiring others to do the same. What do you want for yourself?
For more information on “Distinctions between Persona and Authentic Self” and a free assessment “Do I Love Me?” please visit the resource page of my Web site www.chrislucerne.com. Also visit the events page to learn about the upcoming TeleCourse: “The Journey to Authenticity: Learning to Love Yourself”
Chris Lucerne is a professional certified coach. Using a body-mind centered approach, she specializes in two areas: Supporting clients to Build Relationships that Matter, and to Go Beyond Loss and Embrace Life. Visit her Web site at ChrisLucerne.com or contact her by calling (210) 408-7699.
